Day 9 of Self Quarantine: Counting Our Blessings

Yesterday was kind of a tough day. I had to remind myself to keep everything in perspective. I had to remind myself that God’s got this and “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7” 

Looking back, the things that were weighing heavy on my heart are nowhere near as important as keeping my family safe and healthy right now. If we can manage to get through this and all stay healthy, then the struggle and compromise is well worth it.

Someone that I know posted on her Facebook page that she’s in the hospital. Her post really stuck with me as she urged everyone to take this seriously. She was on my mind and in my prayers all day. I was relieved to see her update that she’s doing okay. She’s still in the hospital but is hoping to go home soon. It certainly changes things a bit once you know someone affected with the virus.

I, like many, many others, find myself having to take a break from working (and an income) because my clients had to close their small businesses. We were already living off of one income as Reece is not currently working. And while I completely understand and know that the situation is temporary, I was struck at Holden’s concern. He asked what would happen to us if we can’t afford our home anymore. That just broke my heart that he, along with all kids, have so much uncertainty in their lives. I assured Holden that we’ve saved for “a rainy day” and that we will be okay. We also talked about how in the scheme of things, we are fortunate, and that God would want us to continue to help people who are less fortunate than we are.  

A knock at our door brought some more short-term craziness. I received a certified letter from a car rental company saying I have not returned the vehicle I rented in Alabama in February. The catch is that I didn’t rent a car and I haven’t been to Alabama anytime recently. Several weeks ago, I had learned that someone cashed two of my checks from my client. So, it looks like someone has stolen my identity. I spent hours on the phone with the car rental company trying to learn more about what had happen and explaining/proving that it was not me who has their vehicle. I then spent even more time following steps recommended by the Federal Trade Commission and local credit bureaus to protect myself from further fraud. A pain, yes. Worth stressing over, probably not, compared to the craziness going on all around us. 

Other than that, our first week of self-quarantine went well. Digital learning went way better than I thought it would. And any hiccups we encountered were quickly resolved. Holden had a video conference with his social studies class, and I think it did his soul good to visually connect with teachers and friends! I am so appreciative of the teachers and administrators who had to create these plans with little time to prepare. I know how hard teachers are working from home right now to help their students stay on track. And yes, after playing the role of principal and teacher this week, I have an even greater appreciation of what our amazing educators do each day and agree that they should all get paid a bazillion dollars!  

I Facetimed with a friend. And while my first thought was “I need to improve my comfy, no make-up quarantine look”, I quickly got past that and found myself cheering up as we talked. We had last seen each other at breakfast the Tuesday before schools closed down. I remember our conversations that day, filled with uncertainty about what the next weeks and months could look like. But I don’t think we could have imagined all that would change in such a short time. We talked about how everyday life has changed, the challenges of teaching and entertaining our kids, how our faith is bigger than our fear, how good it feels to have other Moms friends and even fun business ideas. The only thing missing was a glass of wine…but it may have been too early for that…lol!

Reece, Holden and I have been taking family walks with AJ each day. The fresh air feels great. We talked about the little stuff…other dogs, the chirping birds, squirrels (that AJ wanted to chase). We admired the other houses that typically we may not notice, and we chatted about games we want to play (Holden is hot on Uno right now and Reece likes Chess. So, we compromise and play both). It was our escape from reality. We’ve talked about playing tennis just the 3 of us, but I’ve quietly watched as people on our neighborhood Facebook page debate over whether or not people should be at our courts and I’ve struggled with what we may feel comfortable with versus public perception. We haven’t really gotten too bored yet…but I suspect that is coming. So, I’m taking some time this weekend to prepare for next week. I’m creating our daily menu, based on groceries we have on hand. Planning daily exercise or outdoor activities and making a list of things we can do when boredom hits (games, movies, puzzles). I’m also setting up a way to do a group FaceTime or Zoom so we can better keep in touch with our friends and family.

So we continue on. Taking precautions and counting our blessings. I’m praying for all of us, knowing that we ALL have challenges that we are facing right now. I hope we can all give ourselves some grace, as we navigate these uncharted waters together. 

Day #4 Self Quarantine

We all slept in. I woke and immediately remembered the sad reality that the entire world is facing the Coronavirus Crisis. I craved coffee and Jesus! Despite my effort of implementing our new "Quarantine Schedule", I couldn't convince Holden to do stretches and yoga with me. I didn't push it knowing that there will be days that we all need our quiet time. It gave me a chance journal, pray and get organized for the week. I made our meal plan now that we are cooking every meal at home. We are already missing eating at our local restaurants. I go back and forth in my head as to how I feel about doing drive-thru or curb-side pick up. And then I worked while Holden begin his digital learning day.

Overall, it went pretty well. In order for me to get work done, I appointed myself digital learning principal and Reece the digital learning teacher. I created a daily schedule and organized binder, which HJ wasn’t nearly as excited about as I was!😂 It wasn't long before Holden requested a homemade frappaccino for snack (interruption #1) and he was not on board for “first day of digital learning” pictures!😜 I’m now listening to the banter as Reece is checking HJ’s work.😂 But seriously, so grateful for the administrators and teachers that have worked so hard so our kids can keep up with their assignments from the safety of our homes! Good luck to everyone! Y’all stay safe!

Making Lemonade out of the Coronavirus

DAY 2 OF SELF-QUARANTINE: I’ve had thoughts weighing on my heart this week and find the most comfort in expressing them through writing. There has only been one other time in my life that I remember feeling a similar uncertainty and fear to what I’m feeling right now. That was when Holden was born so sick. Doctors called him complicated and were uncertain of the best way to treat him. He had heart, lung and GI issues, just to name a few. At one point a group of doctors said, “He may have 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years…or maybe 2 decades.” That is not something any parent ever wants to hear. The words immediately sent us into a panic. What I learned during that time is that we all deal with crisis differently. There is not necessarily a right way or a wrong way to process fear. But certainly, looking in hindsight, some ways are healthier and safer than others. 

After the grim diagnosis that day, we were told to take Holden home, despite the fact that he still needed several surgeries. Doctors felt is wasn't fair to put him through the surgeries if there was a chance he wouldn't make it. We chose to live in a bubble, self-quarantining in our home,  (or social distancing before we knew that was a thing) in effort to keep him for contacting any sickness since he was so fragile. At a time in our lives that we really needed the support, we were physically isolated from the people we wanted to be around most. But it was in that time that some amazing things happened.

*We learned to put Faith Over Fear. I can remember the exact moment, sitting in the hospital as I held Holden, where I made the decision to give all my fear, anxiety and uncertainty over to God. I sat rocking Holden with tears streaming down my face, knowing that what we faced was bigger than anything I could handle on my own. In my head, I had a conversation with God. I felt like he was telling me that I just needed to focus on loving Holden just as God’s loves all of us.  That is why we are here.  No matter how long we are here for, we all deserve to be loved.  It reaffirmed for me how important it was to make every day the best I could for Holden. It didn’t matter where we were, I was committed to trying to make him as comfortable as possible and surround him with things that made him happy.  Maybe there was a reason we were on this journey.  Maybe I needed to learn to make everyday count.  I felt like I heard God’s message loud and clear: Love as if there is no tomorrow, believe in miracles and Holden Faith. That is what kept floating around my head as I held my sweet baby who was still connected to tubes and wires. I refused to give up. I turned my fear over to God and I now had hope.

*We learned to lean on each other. During a time that could have easily ruined our marriage, we found ways to support each other and love each other, despite the very different ways we deal with crisis. We had so much time together and while not always easy, we worked on communicating and supporting each other. That time in isolation allowed us to get to know each other on a much different level. I believe we are stronger today because we learned to work together in the bad times.

*We learned to accept the help of our family, friends and community. While we greatly limited our visitors in our home, we stayed connected through our blog, phone calls and letters. We learned to be humbler and more vulnerable. We asked our circle for prayers and boy did they deliver! Holden was on prayer chains throughout the world! We accepted help, which was always hard for us. We let neighbors bring us meals and walk our dog while we were in the hospital. The notes, cards, texts, messages and calls all meant so much to us as some days that was our only form of contact outside of the hospital.

*We found creative ways to entertain ourselves. We went on long walks to feel fresh air and sunshine on our faces. I would put Holden in his car seat, go through the Starbuck drive-thru and then drive around and look at houses in different communities. It was my way of getting out of the house while still keeping Holden safe. I turned to online shopping instead of going to stores. Some may call it retail therapy! And to keep busy when not playing with Holden, we would do puzzles and play board games to pass the time. And for me, writing was therapeutic. Blogging allowed me to keep family and friends updated on how Holden was doing, while also providing me with a way to express myself. I began writing a book, which I hope to publish soon! 

*We slowed down. Although I’d give anything for Holden to NOT have had to go through all that he did, the entire experience forced me to slow down…. probably for the first time in my adult lifetime. It is amazing how quickly your priorities become clear when you are faced with a crisis. And there is something about time that enables you to process, access, re-access and confidently create a plan. While those where the most difficult days of my life, I can honestly say that I was living in the moment. I was present for the good and the bad. 

After months of living in seclusion in our home, Holden’s health slowly improved. He was not exposed to germs constantly, as he had been when in the hospital. With his improved health and growth, doctors felt like he was strong enough for the surgeries that he still needed. Fortunately, these procedures went well and each month that went by, his health slowly improved.

So, as we find ourselves in this time of social distancing and self-quarantining, I’ve been reflecting back on the last time we went through this, reminding myself that this can be an opportunity to make lemonade out of lemons (or the Coronavirus in this case). Rather than focus on what we’re giving up and sacrificing, maybe we can find ways to turn this time into a positive while helping keep our neighbors and community safe (flatten the curve). 

·      Create lists of things you and your family want to do. We each made a list of games we want to play, movies we want to watch, fun things to do and projects we want to do around the house. Each day we will incorporate these activities rotating from everyone’s list into our "new quarantine schedule". Consider journalling. It is a great outlet for all ages and allows us to look at the good despite the uncertainty. For Holden, I got him Minute Gratitude Journal from Amazon*. Be sure to include time for everyone to get fresh air and exercise. Even something as simple as going for a walk as a family and lift everyone’s spirts!

·      Look for ways to help your neighbor or community. More than ever, this is a time to come together. A time for kindness and love. Is there an elderly neighbor you can help stock up with food and supplies so they don’t have to go out? Consider buying gift cards from local/small businesses. Even if you don’t redeem the gift cards now, buying them can help them get small businesses through what is sure to be a rough financial time. Imagine how much we can help these businesses if we do some our Christmas shopping now. And much of this can be done online to remain safe. There are thousands of kids in our community that relied on schools for consistent meals. Consider giving to a local organization that is helping feed these families. Some ideas are Meals By Grace, Blessings In a Backpack North Fulton or another organization in your area. Finally, consider having your kids draw pictures or write letters to send to local assisted living facilities. As you know, many of these facilities are limited guest visits right now for the safely of their residents. Why not brighten up their day with words of encouragement and artwork that is sure to a smile on their face.

·      Create Your Own La-La Land. I was on bedrest with Holden for nearly 20 weeks and I remember doctors telling me to surround myself only with things that made me happy. I realize it is important to keep up with the news right now, but it won’t change anything to be fixated on it all day long. Plan a time each day for updates and then try to surround yourself with less-stressful things the rest of the time. What makes you happy? If you like to read - treat yourself to some new books. I'm reading "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis. If music is your thing, maybe create a new playlist. Like TV? Make a list of shows to watch or binge-watch. Like crafts? Stock up on supplies now so you can work on a new project. A friend posted about this online paint workshop.  I also saw an article about Famous Museums that offer Virtual Tours. I’ve created a board on Pinterest and have been adding ideas to it each day. 

·      Socialize digitally. While there is no replacement for physically being surrounded by family and friends, drastic times call for drastic measures. Encourage your kids to Facetime or call their friends each day. Help them set up group chats or texts so they can keep in touch. Text or call your friends and loved ones to check on them. If you don’t already have a neighborhood Facebook page, consider starting one! It is the perfect way to offer help and check on everyone! If we all make an effort to reach out, we can feel connected and hopefully less lonely.

While some people think our country is over-reacting another group is concerned and fearful. And while I completely agree with taking precautions, I also know that it doesn’t do anyone any good panic or live in paralyzing fear. The phrase “fear not” is used at least 80 times in the Bible, most likely because He knows the enemy uses fear to create panic and decrease our hope. So, for those of you who find that fear is consuming you right now, take a deep breath. Try to keep everything in perspective and not be consumed by the unknown. Take time to pray or meditate when you feel overwhelmed. Try to look at the good that is happening in our community, nation or even around the world amid the crisis, and know that you are not alone. Now, more than ever, is a time for us to come together! Put faith over fear and believe that all the steps we are taking and sacrifices we are making will be difference-making and life-saving! And certainly, having wine and chocolate on hand can’t hurt!

The following are some of the verses that have brought me comfort:

•        “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~ Isaiah 41:10
•       “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you."  ~ Psalm 56:3
•      “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:6-7
•        “Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid.” ~ John 14:27
•       “Then he placed his right hand on me and said: 'Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last.'” ~ Revelation 1:17
•        “Jesus told him, ‘Don’t be afraid; just believe.’” ~ Mark 5:36

Articles/Resources:

Flatten The Curve By NBC News

Social Distancing By Medium

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“I failed Mommy”…The words cut like a knife. My sweet boy had his first strike out in a scrimmage T-Ball game.  Several kids struck out. It didn’t seem like a big deal and I certainly was not expecting the tears and the sincere anguish that HJ was feeling.  I didn’t know if he even really liked t-ball. Up to that point, there had been a lot of dirt kicking, picking at the grass and gazing at the clouds. But yet, sitting before me was a teary faced 5-year-old, who heard the words “foul ball” in his mind it meant he failed. And when that foul ball was followed by a strike…he for the first time in his young t-ball career, had to walk off the field to the dugout dragging his head, rather than run to first base as he always had before.

I hugged Holden, trying to explain that it was okay. I assured him that he would get another chance to hit the ball next time. I was relieved at how well his coach handled the situation. He told Holden that even Chipper Jones strikes out. Everyone strikes out. He told him that he could come back and try again…and that next time he would do better.  HJ wiped his tears, grabbed his glove and ran back out to the field with his team.

Just when I think it is not possible to love my child any more, a moment like this happens. Through his tears, I saw the care and passion in his heart. So while I have been judging his actions on the field for dislike for the sport, the reality is that he is 5. He is entitled to still be unfocused at times. We can’t expect him to always have a good attitude about having 3 practices or games a week.  How can we really think that at this age he can channel his passion the way older kids or adults do.

Is T-Ball going to be his thing?  I don’t know. But what I do know is that my kid has heart. He cares. And whether it is on the t-ball field, soccer field or in the classroom, he is soaking it all in. He is learning. He is watching his friends, his coaches, his teachers and his Daddy and I and learning from us!  I hope we did and will continue to do a good job teaching Holden. Teaching him to have a happy heart. Teaching him to try his best. And teaching him that failure is okay. We all fail. The important part is that we learn from our failures so we can improve. 

Not always an easy concept to grasp…no matter our age! 

Grateful for Kindergarten

Tomorrow Holden will start Kindergarten and I am full of emotions! On one hand I am incredibly grateful. And then, of course there is a part of me that wants to hold onto my little guy and not let him go. I’ve loved the time we’ve had together. But tomorrow things will change!

Fortunately change is not always a bad thing. There were doctors who cautioned us that Holden may never make it to Kindergarten. Other doctors said if he survived, that he would be on oxygen indefinitely. And then there were the doctors who said his conditions were complicated and they had no idea what his future would hold. Finally, the doctors who suggested we pray for a miracle.  It was a rough first couple of years, but I prayed like I never prayed before.  I begged God for a miracle. And little by little, things changed. Holden started doing things that many doctors were not sure he’d ever be able to do.

We had an appointment with Holden’s cardiologist last Thursday to review results from a recent echocardiogram. Despite my faith, these appointments always cause me anxiety because Holden is living with three pulmonary veins, instead of four like you and I. He also had pulmonary hypertension and a small hole in his heart. Early on, it seemed like echo results often identified additional problems and concerns. Fortunately (or miraculously) his body created collaterals to pump the blood from his heart to his lungs. Doctors have said that this is “un-chartered” territory and don’t know what the future holds. But Thursday, Holden’s cardiologist told us that he longer has pulmonary hypertension. His pulmonary pressures are finally normal. And the hole in his heart is practically closed. And the doctor feels good that as Holden grows, the collaterals will grow and keep up. It was amazing news!  

When Holden was just a couple weeks old and in the NICU, I bought a plush flower in the hospital gift shop. It reads “And the child grew, and the LORD blessed him.” Judges 13:24   That flower always sat above his hospital crib/bed and is still in his room today. I couldn’t help but think of that flower after our doctor’s visit. With growth has come health. Positive change.

So while I still find it painful to look back, taking a temporary peek into the past certainly helps me appreciate where we are now. It humbles me beyond belief. It helps me keep things in perspective. It helps me not take a single day for granted. And it helps me embrace change.

So I will put on a brave smile as Holden gets out of the car tomorrow morning and save my tears for after the door slams and my sweet kindergartener walks into his first day of elementary school. It is then that I can have my moment to break down understanding how truly blessed we are!

Acknowledging the past, living in the present and celebrating the future,

Christine

I am writing a book to share our story and hopefully inspire others to have faith when the road gets dark.  As part of this process, I went back and read blog entries I had never re-read and sorted through photos from the past several years.  I put together a short video and I have mixed feelings about sharing it. On one hand, it makes me feel very vulnerable. However, on the other hand, I think it shows that while the journey was not always easy, we tried to make the best of every day. None of us knows what God has in store for us. But if we keep HOLDEN FAITH we can make it through anything!